Destiny’s Story—Here, There, and Everywhere

Everybody has got a story to tell if they want to tell it. I'd like to tell you the story of my journey, just a short journey. I had trouble, complex needs. For a number of years, I've tried everything. Medication didn’t work. Mental health services, they didn't want to know me, really, they just say ‘Take a pill.’ For me, that didn't feel right. I want to be able to cope, have strategies, understand. The only service that really can do that is complex needs. I was in and out of the service for a number of years. This is the sixth time I've gone in. I hesitated about going back. They assess you. I didn't go to the first assessment because I didn't feel confident, I chickened out. Then I thought if I want to get myself better, I've got to take the bull by the horns.

So I decided I need help. I had a discussion with my Elmore worker, and she said, ‘You know Gary? One of the stars of complex needs? Would you like me to get him to come have a chat with you? You can ask him how it felt going into the service.’ So we sat down outside a café and we had a little chat about how the service would help me. I told him that I had anxiety, I was frightened, I was very numb about it, I thought they would judge me and everything. I told him a little bit about my life. He was very kind and knowledgeable. So he relaxed me a bit, and I asked him quite a few questions.

Still I had very bad anxiety, you know, I thought, ‘I can't do this.’ My body, my mind were going everywhere. I had a chat with my husband, and he said, ‘I’d like to see you in a happier place.’  I thought, ‘Yeah okay, you're right.’ So the day came, and it was a lovely day, surprisingly sunny! Maybe because of that I thought I could do it. I was feeling quite lightheaded, a bit dizzy, but I felt confident because I had my Elmore worker with me and she was going to make sure I went through the door. Walking up the ramp to the complex needs door I stopped several times but my Elmore worker, she said, ‘Come on, you can do it.’ It felt like she was sending me to school. It was quite comforting when I got in there. They sat me down, on a nice, big, comfortable sofa. Very kind, very sincere, welcomed me. I was seeing the same person I saw when I first went into the complex needs service, and I thought, ‘She's not going to want to speak to me.’ But she was quite pleased to see me, actually. I told her that I need support, I need to understand what's actually going on for me. So over the day I went into that flight, fright and freeze syndrome, it was quite challenging, but I did it. I was pleased I did it and I reflected on it for a number of weeks.

My mental health, and the struggles that I have with my life, stem from having been abused as a child, at ten years old. When you’re sexually abused as a child, you start judging yourself. The perpetrator turned round to me and said, ‘If you tell anybody and describe me, I will deny it.’ So I really felt alone. I felt if I told anybody, even my own parents, they would judge me. My dad was very old-fashioned, he would disown me. I suppose also I was protecting him because I knew the sort of guy he was, if I told him he would probably have done something to that person. I didn’t want him to get into trouble because of me. So I hid it. I felt a little bit dirty for a number of years, always judging myself. It was only when I was getting married to my current husband that I opened up. And he said, ‘You should go to the police. Because you've got to move on.’ So we both went. They looked into it, but they couldn’t do anything, unfortunately, because the perpetrator was no longer in the area. So I felt that in one way, I had justice, but another way, I didn't. I'm still trying to understand it. Why anybody would abuse somebody at that age.

I thought being abused once is enough. But no, I was also abused as an adult, by my first husband. I was married to him for 23 years, I had two children by him. But he belittled me. He got his family to abuse me. Tell me I was no good. This is what caused my mental health struggles. It caused me to be quite negative about people, and I'm still like that. I walk away from situations. Sometimes people say something and I just think to myself, ‘No. If you don't mind, not right now. I'm not in the right place.’ Or sometimes I even say, ‘Excuse me, if you don't mind, can you refrain from that? You're triggering me?’ Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. People sometimes say to me, ‘You’re rude.’ No. I'm not rude. I'm protecting myself. You're making me feel uncomfortable, so why should I stand there and take it? I took that skill from the service. Refraining. I thought, ‘Ah, that is a good word.’ So now I use it in my daily life, when I feel overwhelmed, I refrain. I stand back, or I walk out the door.

With life struggles, you don't always know how you physically feel about things, it can be numbing, a bit topsy-turvy, a bit here, there and everywhere. Life is a bit like a washing machine, and when my negative bias comes in, it's like a piece of washing, you put that in the machine, and you're going to wash it. I actually have sat there and watched the washing machine go round and round! You can wash good memories and bad memories. When a bad memory comes in, I think, ‘That's a dirty memory, I'll put it in the washing machine and it’ll come out clean.’ Another scenario I use a lot is that life is like a jigsaw puzzle, a 1,000-piece jigsaw. I'm still doing it. I don't know when it's going to end. It will end one day, and I will have that picture of my life.

I've been to services like Mind, but over these last few years, Mind hasn't been there for me. Because they've cut their services so much, it's not like the old days, where you can just go into a drop-in centre. You've got to go on a waiting list, or wait for a space. Big organisations like that, they see thousands, so they don't know you. The Recovery College have also helped me to ground myself and given me skills. The support I’ve had from Elmore I feel is more beneficial, the one-to-one. I want somebody to understand me and my struggles. Elmore, they're more structured, they're willing to help you. If you want the help. You can't force a person if they don't want it. They can't take your life and fix it for you.

Another journey. I've been indoors for a number of years because of Covid, I’ve struggled going out. The only time I would go out was late at night. I watched my favourite programme, then it finished at midnight, and straight after that, I would put my coat on and go for a walk. And then I thought, ‘I'd like to do a little bit more. What can I do to challenge myself?’ So I go on a bus. At first I thought, ‘Oh no, no, no, I can't do this.’ But I got my coat on, got my handbag, got my shoes on, got the door open, walked through, onto the path outside, with my husband behind me, supporting me. I went to the end of the path, stood at the gate. Right, okay, nobody's coming, walk down the road. This doesn't feel comfortable. I'm out though. I'm out of the house. I've gone down the road a bit. I'm grounding myself. And I'm sitting at the bus stop. I was quite happy, then my husband says, ‘The bus is coming.’ And again I thought, ‘This is really frightening.’ But I got on the bus and I felt alright. Quite proud of myself.

So what's next? Next is my destiny, really, becoming what I want to become, more efficient and more confident. I suppose to trust people again. I've still got a long way to go with that. And to be able to speak my emotions, my feelings. Be able to connect with myself again, you know, not just how people are trying to tell me to be. But I feel quite good. Quite grounded. It's my own story of my life. I just refrain and say, ‘Not right now. I'm here, there and everywhere.’